Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Alphabet Day 17: W

My W day: wake-up, water, warm chocolate (I don't like it too hot), watching Private Practice and writing notes about the characters, wheat bun, Wikipedia (they're getting super aggressive for donations again), walking up and down stairs, whistling, whipping up about 50 trophies of the awards ceremony, "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls (yea, we went there), watching New Girl where Winston learns a lesson, writing this blog right now, and wishing for sleep.

W song: The Weepies - "Wish I Could Forget"This is seriously one of my favorite songs, so today was a good day.

W word (huh, word is a W word): whatever

Since she first began to speak, the only word Wendy knew was "whatever." She had somehow managed to communicate enough with this one word, and, at this point, she didn't see the need to round out her vocabulary.

When asked what she wanted to eat, she'd reply, "Whatever." This meant every time she was treated to a surprise cuisine. Because of this, her palate had become well refined, and people respected her opinion of food.

When asked where she wanted to go for holidays, she'd say, "Whatever." This did not make a whole lot of sense, but it didn't stop her parents from taking her all over the world. She'd become so well-versed in travel that people would seek her recommendations on vacation spots almost daily.

When asked what she wanted to do, either on dates or family weekend tripes, she'd shrug, "Whatever." Many a beau had taken her on an outdoor excursion that involved an intense sightseeing adventure or some sort of extreme sport. Her parents had taken her to countless plays and museums. For a girl her age, she really had seen it all, and people looked to her for information because they knew she had experienced it first hand.

It was clear that Wendy was an extremely intelligent and well-rounded individual. Unfortunately, she flunked most assignments because two plus two does not equal whatever. The capital of Wisconsin is not whatever, and plants are not green because of whatever.

However, she always managed to get the question about indefinite relative pronouns at least partially right because "whatever" was a correct answer.

At least I think that's what Wendy wanted me to tell you guys. I have a really hard time understanding her.


- Barbara

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Alphabet Day 16: O

My O day: old phone alarm clock, orange juice, omits and edits to homework, official last day of classes ever (can't even believe it - send money), official class photo, originals by Adidias, obstruction of my nasal cavities, off-the-wall dance party, Oingo Boingo, Oprah, and obligatory sleep.

O song: One EskimO - "Kandi"

O word: organ

Oscar had just turned twenty-one, and he felt like he hadn't done anything meaningful with his life up to that point. He picked up the newspaper because that seemed like something meaningful to do to someone who had never done it before. As he flipped through the pages, he came across the classifieds and saw an ad that read, "Organ Wanted."

Sure, this seemed vague. It didn't say which organ was needed, but he figured, if he could help, it would certainly be something worth doing. So, he called the number. Unfortunately, no one answered the phone, but the voicemail recording said they were accepting organ donations at St. Luke's Church.

I can tell where this is going, and, if you're smart, you know where this is going too. Sadly, Oscar had no idea where this was going, so I'll continue on.

Obviously, a kidney is one of the easiest organs to donate, so Oscar had that removed first. The appendix, spleen, and gall bladder aren't that important either, so he took those out next. He removed pieces of his intestines, stomach, and liver. He left what he needed, but all of this surgery was certainly making him sick. Still, he saw the life his organs were bringing to his recipients, and he felt like he was finally doing some good with his life.

After his multiple trips to the hospital, Oscar hardly had any of his own organs left. He was hooked up to multiple machines, but he couldn't have been happier. In the hospital, he had fallen in love with his nurse, Olga. He loved her so much, and he would do anything for her, as she had done for him. One day she told him that she wanted nothing more than for him to give his heart to her.

Again, we all know where this is going, but I will continue on.

So, he willingly gave up his heart, like all the other organs before.

Of course, Olga did not mean for him to literally give his heart to her, and it left her heartbroken when he died. Luckily, St. Luke's had received enough donations to buy a new organ, and it played beautifully at Oscar's funeral.


- Barbara

Monday, November 28, 2011

Alphabet Day 15: Y

My Y day: Y chromosome (I don't have it), yearly nosebleed (three times), "Yesterday" by the Beatles, y'all, yelling children at the airport, yummy Salt lick, Yaz (the band, not the birth control), yearning for the Lot C bus at LAX (that never goes well), yellow poncho, yuletide carols (no fire), and young people doing homework together.

Y song: Yael Naim - "Far Far"

Y word: yo-yo

Yo-yo's are all fun and games until you swing it around and knock yourself into a little coma.


- Barbara

Alphabet Day 14: I

My I day: ill, inclement weather, interceptions and intentional grounding (college football, baby), international cuisine (aka Tex-Mex), iced water, iced tea, impossibly quick trip to Clear Lake, incredible games for Baylor and USC, and insomnia.

I song: Ingrid Michaelson - "The Chain"

I word: intern

According to Wikipedia, an internship is "on-the-job training for a white-collar job." I have held two internships in the last three years, and I have never seen anyone wearing a white collar. This means that both of the internships listed on my resume are lies.

My first internship helped me land my current internship, and my current internship will help me land an internship or job in the future. Should I be alright with the fact that my entire career could be based on a lie?

Yes, because I am an intern, and I work for free.


- Barbara

Alphabet Day 13: K


My K day: killer stomach ache, Kaye (my middle name when I woke up with said stomach ache), ketchup at Buffalo Grille (which I did not put on my hash browns), King Tut, kicking a soccer ball, kinethesis (I don't really know if that word means what I think it means), Keb' Mo', kids from high school reunion, knuckles, and Kermit on SNL.

K song: Kevin Devine - "You'll Only End Up Joining Them"

K word: koala

The Koala wasn't known as the toughest of the animals at the zoo. However, he had apparently crossed the Panda the previous Thursday when he cut him in line for the watering hole. The Panda hadn't thought much of the Koala before, but now he thought he was a real bitch-a-roonie-doonie.

Although the Koala did apologize, the Panda just was not ready to let it go. The Panda challenged him to a fight in front of all the other zoo animals in their sanctuary. After someone finally won this matchup, the ordeal could be put to rest.

Even though the Koala did not put much stock in being a fighter, he still did not want to be made a fool in front of all his friends. So, every morning in the week leading up to the match, he trained. He drank protein shakes, ran laps, jumped rope, lifted weights, and also ate some bamboo or whatever shit koalas eat. Overall, he was feeling pretty good about things.

The day of the match had finally arrived, and all the animals gathered around the big tree. The Panda and the Koala took their places in their respective corners. The Sloth took his sweet time slinking over to the bell, but he finally got there. He hit it, and the match began.

The Koala and the Panda jockeyed up to each other. The Panda threw the first punch, and then all the people at the zoo died at how cute it was to see a panda and a koala hugging.


- Barbara

Alphabet Day 12: C

My C day: Courtyard Hotel's amazing bed, Charlotte (two of them), cousins, cranberries (oh yea, it was Thanksgiving), car ride with Christmas music, collegiate tradition finale (Texas beat Texas A&M for possibly the last time), calm, cool, and collected Justin Tucker who won the game, Chris (three of them), and cats especially Coconut.

C song: Counting Crows - "Colorblind"

C word (again, not that one): carriage

The princess was getting ready for a huge ball that night. This was going to be the ball of the year because, let's be honest, if a princess was going to be there, then you know that it is a pretty big deal. So, everything had to be perfect.

The princess checked her dress, her hair, her shoes, her makeup, and her jewelry. Everything was in place.

She walked down the stairs and met her carriage driver at the front door. This is when she received the bad news. The front carriage wheels had been broken from the previous trip she had taken in to town that day.

The wheel mender had been released for the evening, and it would take hours for the driver to fix them himself. The princess did not know what to do, and, by this point, the party was about to start.

Her stress level only increased when she received a message from her friend, who was already at the ball. "where r u?," the text message read. Then the princess remember that this was the twenty-first century, so she told the driver that she would take the car to the ball instead.


- Barbara

Friday, November 25, 2011

Alphabet Day 11: E

My E day: early morning, extra packing, early arrival at the airport due to delayed flight, eggs, Ernie Halter, ear infection (I wanted a cold, but the Alphabet said no), Eric Hutchinson, entire book read on a plane ride east, eternity in traffic to Dallas, and easy sleep in a giant hotel bed.

E song: Emerson Hart - "Generation"

E word: epitaph

Earl, a Dickensian Scholar, had just gotten some terrible news from the doctor. He was dying. The kind of dying when you actually end up dead in a few weeks.

When you know you're going to die, there's a lot of stuff that you get to take care of yourself. If you don't know when you're going to die, and then you end up dead, then all your relatives have to take care of that crap for you. The latter is obviously the better option.

However, Earl knew it was coming, so he started getting things in order - planning his funeral, writing his obituary, and leaving a flaming bag of poop on the doorsteps of people he hated. That's how he chose to live his last few weeks.

Among his preparations, Earl started looking at headstones. The salesman told him that for an extra $500 he could include a two line epitaph on his grave marker. Earl had no heirs, so that was chump change for an almost dead dude.

Still, this meant he had to think long and hard on the few words that he would allow to define him for the rest of his life. For the first week, he couldn't think about it at all because he was dying, and that was sad. Finally, he sat down at his desk, pulled out a sheet of paper, and he dipped his pen in ink. He was weird like that, owning a quill pen, but all Dickensian Scholars are.

He was most proud of his contributions to the literature and scholarship surrounding Charles Dickens, so he chose to highlight that in his epitaph. The pen touched the paper, and the letter began to flow. "H-E-R-E L-I-E-S A D-I-C-K," and then he dropped dead.


- Barbara

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Alphabet Day 10: P

My P day: positively peppy morning routine, pineapple juice and Pop-Tarts on a paper towel at Private Practice, production schedules and pre-lims at Private Practice, Pete in Private PracticePrivate Practice episodes watched for a project at Private Practice, patty melt with potatoes at Private Practice, peanut bar and peppermints and pop at Private Practice, pie run at Paramount, production (a set visit to Private Practice), Peter, Paul & Mary, Puss in Boots painting video, pre-adults portraying perps in a student film that turns in to them almost getting arrested/shot, printing boarding pass for a plane, packing, and passing out.

P song: Patty Griffin - "Rain"

P word: popsicle

There's nothing worse than a melted popsicle, especially if you wanted a frozen popsicle.


- Barbara

Alphabet Day 9: N

My N day: near-sighted, no breakfast, nukes and numbskulls (Men Who Stare at Goats), new restaurant, no class, non-stop editing, nasal, N*Sync, never-ending uploading, NFL, new Homeland and Dexter, neighbors, "nature or nurture,"and nighttime

N song: NWA - "Express Yourself"

N word (not that one! although I did have a conversation about it today): nausea

Nicole is the nicest of girls. Alright, she is only okay, maybe just decent. I don't know, we aren't that close. Still, she has this crazy problem. Girlfriend only gets nausea if someone says the word "nausea."

Once, she went to the doctor's office and described her symptoms: unease in her stomach, sometimes vomiting. The doctor said, "Sounds like nausea," and she vomited. Then she said, "Yea, it is, but it only happens if you say 'nausea.'" Then, she turned her head and vomited again.

This sounds pretty terrible, but Nicole gets to do all the cool stuff: roller coasters, boat trips, and going to the moon, stuff like that. She can do all of that without getting nausea.

However, it does suck because I've just read her this story, and she's thrown up every time I've said "nausea." Gross, there she goes again.


- Barbara

Monday, November 21, 2011

Alphabet Day 8: D

My D day: double alarm snoozes, drunken adventures retold from the night before, drizzle turned into a downpour, double brunch (I know right?), driving, debit cards, Dave Matthews Band, Decemberists, Dynamo defeated due to downright dumb defense, dale dale dale!, Dexter missed because of game, darkness in the bathroom (no toilet paper either), and death (for the night, at least)

D song: David Gray - "Lately" Seriously, obsessed with this song.

D word: December

December is the most loved of months. He brings Christmas bonuses and paid vacations to many, gifts to almost all. He keeps the weather cold enough to justify skipping school or work, and sometimes he leaves it nice enough to toss a football around the front yard.

Hibernation becomes a near necessary, and an increased caloric intake is adopted to handle said hibernation. It's not like the food is hard to come by. People look for any excuse to throw a party in December. Oh, you have a tacky green sweater? Party. I bought this new menorah? Party. My cat looks freaking adorable in this rudolph nose? Double party. So yea, free food? December for the win.

The winter weather also seems to promote some sort of temporary "niceness." Aside from the occasional black eye and hair-pulling caused by Black Friday and Christmas Eve shoppers, people kind of dig each other in December. I guess if there's that special someone in your life you get more gifts or something. Plus, you can stay inside by the fireplace and sort socks together. I don't know what couples do. I'm lonely.

It's pretty obvious that December does his fair share of great for the year. Other months just bring rain or taxes. Yea, December for the win.

Wait. What's this on the radio? Christmas music all the time, always? "Last Christmas" sung by sixteen different artists? December f*cking sucks.


- Barbara

Alphabet Day 7: V

My V day: Vineyard Vines, victory despite vicious attacks (soccer), Ventura Highway, Ventura Boulevard, viva Chivas!, ventriloquism and the Veals (Arrested Development), Van Morrison, Vanessa Carlton, voluntary cake-baking with vanilla icing, very amazing art of various cats of which I made a video (see below), Vitamin C., and veteran songs of the 90's


V song: V.V. Brown - "Shark in the Water"

V word: volume

The other day Victor was listening to "Shout" by the Isley Brothers. You know the song. You dance to it, no matter what. You do.

Anyway, there's the part where it says "a little bit softer now," over and over. So, Victor, an idiot, turned the volume down, over and over. He turned it down so low that he essentially turned it off. I don't know if you know, but if the volume is completely off, then you can't hear anything. Don't ask me how it works. It's science or something.

Still, this meant that Victor never heard Ronald Isley call for the listener to play "a little bit louder now," over and over. Thus, he sat my his record player, oh yeah this is the nineteen sixties. Anyway, he sat by his record player with the volume off for the rest of his life, and he never heard music again.

Luckily for him, he never had to suffer through Ke$ha and the Biebs. I'm just saying, some times it pays to be an idiot. You know?


- Barbara

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Alphabet Day 6: L

My L day: Los Angeles, late (waking up, not getting to work luckily), Lykke Li, low-fat lactose, little oranges, Leo DiCaprio, Leslie Knope loves Ben Wyatt, lemon tootsie roll, looking and listening to loads of episodes of the lovely Private Practice where doctors lust for one another (story of my life), lo-mein, lots of people lulling an loafing around literature (the Kardashians were at Barnes and Noble), Lady Antebellum, loser, Last Summer (of You and Me), and laying down.

L song:  "That's Right (You're Not From Texas)" - Lyle Lovett

L word (well that's a show, but): lunchroom

***At this point in posting, I fell asleep, and then I didn't get back to it until two days later**

Lilly was sitting at a table in the lunchroom across from Luke and Lisa. It was a Friday, so Lilly's mom had packed her an extra dessert. Friday's were the best. Today's dessert was a red velvet cupcake, Lilly's favorite.

Luke asked Lilly and Lisa if they wanted any of his licorice. Lisa said no, because licorice f*cking sucks. Well, she didn't say that, exactly, but she declined the offer all the same. Lilly, on the other hand, liked licorice, so she reached for one of those disgusting, black ropes.

As her hand brought a piece of that turd candy to her lips, her elbow accidentally knocked her cupcake to the floor. It tumbled, end over end. Don't imagine this in slow motion because gravity is real, people. Anyway, the cupcake landed frosting side down. There's no such thing as a five-second rule when there's frosting involved. Her dessert, her friday, her life was ruined, and that's why you never eat licorice.


- Barbara

Friday, November 18, 2011

Alphabet Day 5: S

Some of the people I work with got in on this, so this post might be more enthusiastic than others. STOP READING THIS, NANCY.

My S day: sleep, snooze, snooze, snooze, speed bumps, strawberry Pop-Tarts, sexy satchels from a supervisor on a stellar show, sausage dogs, sweet potato fries, Spring Awakening (both plays and soundtrack), Sweeney Todd, Snapple, selecting scenes from a series and scribbling notes, Superfood (I don't care for this stuff but the alphabet rules, and I had to clean it out of the refrigerator anyway), speaking soccer bets with a showrunner, secret keeping from my Aunt Staci, solitary television viewing, Shayan's birthday countdown, Soderbergh, sugar cookies, sit-ups, and sleep.

S song: "Shady Esperanto and the Young Hearts" - Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers

S word: sewer
When I was younger, I had a cat named Ellis. Well, I later learned that that cat was actually named L.S. as in "Little Shit." I could write a dissertation on how much this revelation changed, ruined, my childhood. Also, I blame this moniker for subliminally enforcing the "potty mouth" that I have today.

Anyway, Ellis ran away one night when it was raining, really raining. I was young, but I remember it vividly or I remember remembering it. Still, he was outside during the storm, and even though my mom called him inside, he never showed. He didn't come back the next day or the day after, and we have moved a bunch of times, so he couldn't find us anymore if he wanted to.

When it was obvious to my mom that Ellis was lost, she told me he probably got washed away in the rain and maybe got stuck in the sewer or something. I thought this meant he was living in there, like kicked back with a ball of yarn kind of living. I don't know if he ever actually played with yarn. I don't know if I know any cats that play with yarn, and that is saying something because I do know a lot of cats.


- Barbara

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Alphabet Day 4: H

My H day: hairless (ended my no-shave November, TMI), Honey Nut Cheerios, H2O, herb crusted fish (alphabet made me choose it over the steak!), half & half, hustle (lack of, at soccer practice), Houston Dynamo, horrible acting (Twilight), hop-ons, and half-assed art.

H song: "Great Divide" - Hanson. Yea, they're still relevant.

H word: haiku

haiku starts with h
it is a poem with three lines
this is so meta


- Barbara

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Alphabet Day 3: T

My T day (suggested by Tolga, mind you): tired, Texas (where I wish I was), toothbrush, tea, Twitter, tacos (Chipotle and chocolate ice cream. I've been trying to lay off the sweets, but if the alphabet demands it, then I have to do it), two dog walks, theater*, tuscan chicken pasta, turkeys (The New Girl and Raising Hope), to-do list (mostly not done), and tired.

*I bought a bunch of "theater" books, musicals and some plays, because a classmate and I are setting out to write a musical. Neither of us has done it before, but I like writing words and he likes writing music, so we figured we should give it a shot.

T word: towel
The Towel hangs on the back of the closet door, unimposing. Depending on the master's hygiene, he might get put to use once a day or just once a week. Still, day after day, he hangs there watching as all the other clothes get to leave the closet, hanging off the master's limbs. They get to see worlds that the Towel cannot even dream of. He's lucky if he gets left on the floor of the master's bedroom for a few extra hours.

However, all the other clothes think the Towel is the lucky one. The Shirt says the master sweats so much his pits are now a yellow tint. The Jeans have been ripped so much, that his own mother does not even recognize him anymore. The master is always clean when the Towel gets put to use. Still, the Towel swears nothing could be worse than dangling from the same spot for the rest of your life.

"At least the master doesn't wipe his butt with you," cried the Toilet Paper from behind the bathroom door.


- Barbara

Monday, November 14, 2011

Alphabet Day 2: Q

My Q day: quit sleeping, quietly watched Dexter and Homeland, quickly went to the post office, Queen, Quilted Northern (no secrets here), questions (what I was supposed to write for the guest speaker, but I made cookies instead), quality Greek food, Quints, and more quality TV (Arrested Development). I realize that is a weak "Q" list, but it's a hard letter.

Q song: "Harden My Heart" - Quarterflash I remember some story where the lead singer said she was recognized when she was naked in a sauna. Unfortunately, that's what pops in my head whenever I hear this song.

Q word: Quadrillion
Depending on where you're from, a quadrillion can either mean 1,000,000,000,000,000 or 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. But, we're all from earth, and no one ever needs to count that high.


- Barbara

Alphabet Day 1: B

This whole idea started when I made a stupid alliteration on Facebook. I was inviting everyone to brunch, basketball, and buccaneers (referring to a live dinner show involving pirates, yes my life is great). By the end of the day I had done many "B" things. So, I've decided to do a letter every day - list what I do, post a song by an artist in that letter that I listened to, and write a short (DUMB and TERRIBLE) story about a word starting with that letter.

My B day: Barbara (that's who I was when I woke up in the morning), burned calories, brunch, bingo, bitches (the people at bingo), bundt cake (that I won at bingo despite the bitches), basketball, buccaneers, birthday cards, breakdancing, and bed.

B song:  "Get Me Bodied" by Beyonce.

B word: Badger
The Badger sat behind his desk at the Hufflepuff Public Relations offices. He had worked there for many years and had fallen into a simple routine. Show up, don't make the House look any dumber than it already is, and go home. No one expected much from the Hufflepuffs, and no one expected much from the Badger.

The phone rang. The Badger answered. Whoever was on the other line told him that Cedric Diggory had been cast in an upcoming, highly-anticipated movie franchise. Sure, Cedric Diggory was dead, but he is a wizard, so stop asking questions. Plus, Cedric Diggory was the poster boy for Hufflepuff. Sure, he was dead, but he was so handsome.

However, upon learning that Cedric had been cast as a vampire, the Badger quickly quit his job. If anything could make Hufflepuff's image worse it would be vampires, and he wanted nothing to do with it.


- Barbara