Saturday, December 10, 2011

Alphabet 26: F

My F day: Friend (my last name), final day of the alphabet!, Fiona Apple, "Free Fallin'" cover by John Mayer, fruit juice,  fruit, Feist, four seasons of Private Practice watched completely, free sandwich from the craft services truck (I get free food every day but not from the truck, ergo it was better), Facebook (alphabet made me...), Format, first night in too many at East West Suites aka the worst motel in all of California, fitness attempted but not completed, and fell asleep at nine.

F song: Fink - "If Only"

F word...: family

Friend is my last name. It comes from my dad's side of the family, obviously. I have heard about a million jokes.

Yes, I have heard all of the jokes. You are certainly not the first person to say anything about it to me. It also doesn't help that you point out that I probably hear jokes all the time. I do. We both know it. No need to talk about it.

No, random cashier, I'm not your friend.

"Family and Friends" is the worst pun I have ever heard. Sure, I say it all the time. Sarcastically. So, if you say it to me, I will laugh and tell you it's funny. Sarcastically. I hate you. Really. I hate you.


- Barbara

Alphabet Day 25: X

My X day: I really got nothing, but on this day, I moved out of the Oakwood, where I had been staying throughout my time in Los Angeles. I also spent the morning with one of the Oakwood maintenance supervisors inspecting all of the apartments of the kids in my program. The guy hardly spoke, so that was a super awkward few hours. Again, this has nothing to do with the letter X.

X song: (this is the best I could do with my music) Coldplay - "Charlie Brown" from their album Mylo Xyloto

X word: xylophone

The Xylophone was waiting at a street corner for it to be safe to cross. He looked up and saw a flyer for band auditions. The Xylophone had never been picked for a band before, probably because he's a nerd of an instrument, but he had a good feeling about this one. Maybe the Christmas cheer or the fact that the Piccolo had winked at him just yesterday. I bet she just had something in her eye, but whatever it was, the Xylophone knew that this would be his chance. So, he pulled the flyer off the light post and continued his journey home.

The next day, he polished off his resonators, like that would help, and he skipped down to the studio where the auditions were being held. When he got there, electric guitars and drum kits were warming up everywhere. They all gave him a look like "what the f*ck is this guy doing here?" and rightfully so because, like I said, he's a loser. Anyway, the Xylophone found a saxophone in the corner of the hallway who looked approachable. However, even the Saxophone couldn't be seen with the Xylophone.

Luckily for the Xylophone, he was up next for auditions. So, he followed the Microphone and the Bass into the studio room, and those idiots gave him the gig because they were playing dumb Christmas songs, and Christmas songs are the only songs that actually need a xylophone.



- Barbara

Friday, December 9, 2011

Alphabet Day 24: G

My G day: got up in the morning and thought about packing but didn't, Guster, got an application for an apartment, got to work late, grape juice, Galaxy cake for Gabe and Craig (because the Dynamo had to go and lose), gradually finished my last school assignment ever (please send money), grub (not the restaurant, we actually went to The Street), garbage room about a gazillion times, and got home and thought about packing but didn't.

G song: Goo Goo Dolls - "Sympathy" I'm freaking obsessed with this song.

G word: gynecologist

I've recently been in the business of TV gynecologists, among other types of doctors, and, let me say, their lives are filled with drama. Drama. For real. Still, these people are beasts at medicine. You couldn't write more successful doctors, oh wait...

So, if you ever find yourself in a TV show and you're sick, I think your odds of living are very good. I would be cautious, however, if you are any of the following: drunk driver, rapist, wife/child abuser, pedophile, or a new mother who's life seems too good to be true.

If you find yourself being one of these, then get out of the TV fast because you will die.


- Barbara

Alphabet Day 23: R

My R day: really excited for my first Monday at work, Rocket Summer, Robert Randolph and the Family Band, room (writers' room, that is, and I wasn't cleaning it this time!), Raspberry Snapple, Ruffles, Robert Pattinson (music NOT Twilight), reading scripts, road rage (let's be honest, I have this every day), rushed home in time for Castle, really thought about packing but didn't, and rest.

R song: Ron Pope - "A Drop In The Ocean"

R word: rabbit

Everyone knew that the Rabbit was the best Rabbi in the forest. Every morning he would get up and don his tallit and his yarmulke. He would also eat a carrot because he's a rabbit, and it's kosher.

This morning, though, was extra special. It was the beginning of Hanukkah. The Rabbit retrieved his menorah from his burrow and placed it on the tree stump outside. He lit the first candle and left it burning for everyone to see.

Not ten minutes later did the Rabbit hear a loud knock on his door. He opened it to find the Bear, not the ones in the soda ads, but the one who wears human clothes and pretends he's a park ranger. So, the Bear told him he had to put out the candle because it could start a forest fire. The Rabbit understood, of course, the dangers of a forest fire, but he also knew the importance of keeping his tradition.

So, he went back to his burrow, ordered an electric menorah on eBay, and plugged it in to the power strip located right there in the forest.

It was a Hanukkah miracle, indeed!


- Barbara

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Alphabet Day 22: U

My U day: U2 (I really wish I didn't), United States (where I live), uterus (I have one), uneventful apartment searching, ultimate Sunday brunch, underwhelming afternoon, u-turns, ugly weather, unruly interns and comedians doing pretty decent comedy including a joke about Ulysses S. Grant, unadulterated television a la Dexter and Homeland, and underneath my sheets for sleep.

U song: University of Texas Ransom Notes - "Annie Waits" Ben Folds would and should be proud.

U word: umbrella

One time I offered to share my umbrella with a "young gentleman" who I didn't know. It was pouring, truly pouring. Otherwise, nothing would have compelled me to put myself out there like that, like literally nothing. Anyway, he agreed, so I made space for him under my umbrella.

I guess if you're in to someone or dating them or related or whatever, there's not really a rule of personal space when it comes to umbrellas. This was not really the case for us, as we did not know each other that well, at all. So, yea, it wasn't super cozy, and, instead, both of us were drenched on about half of our bodies.

Before we had even hit the second light post at Clark Field, we both realized that the situation was not helping either of us. Like a true "young gentleman" he said that it was my umbrella, so he would make a run for it. He took off his flip-flops, and he sprinted faster than any other white guy I had ever seen. Now, I had the umbrella to myself, and I was no longer getting rained on. Still, I was so touched by his gesture, and I thought it was only fair that I suffer the same fate.

So, I put my umbrella away and made a run for it too.

I finally made it to the dorm, opened the lobby door, and, yea, there he was, looking at me. If I was him, I would wonder why he gave up an umbrella for someone who wasn't going to use it either. Because I thought that's what he thought, I said, "I'm sorry" and ran upstairs.

Of course, that might not have been what he was thinking, I don't know I'm not a mind reader. Anyway, I bet that wasn't what he was thinking, so what I said made no sense, and I never talked to him again. Amen.


- Barbara

Monday, December 5, 2011

Alphabet Day 21: Z

My Z day: zzzzz's, zero luck with apartment hunting, Zero 7, Zoo in Griffith Park (that I passed by about six times driving to and from apartments), "Zak and Sara" by Ben Folds Five, zodiacs a la a fortune cookie, zero interaction with people besides realtors, Zach Braff in Scrubs, Zooey Deschanel's New Girl, and zzzz's (aka fell asleep super early on the couch).

Z song: Zac Brown Band - "Different Kind of Fine"

Z word: zygote

Hey, little, little zygote
Formed within the uterus
Looking oh so cute right now
Soon you'll kick and poop and fuss

Hey, little, little zygote
You used to be two gametes
Then they joined and you were made
To have a nose and eyes and feets

Hey, little, little zygote
Your time with us is very quick
For soon you'll be a baby
Who can cry and pee and lick


- Barbara

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Alphabet Day 20: J

My J day: jazz hands, jacket (the one I've been sleeping in for two nights), jeans (the same pair I've worn for the last four days), Jessup and Williams Late Night Talk Show internship (one 10 minute episode, but I never let them down), juices grape and pineapple, Jewish star that I put up and then had to take down, Jabberwocky, John Mayer (only about a quarter of the fourteen hours of songs I have),  Jason's hair, just the usual singing Aaron Neville on the Santa Monica Pier, and jelly candy that tasted disgusting.

J song: Joe Purdy - "Daisy"

J word: jalapeño

Jalapeños are the most fun word to write. Jalapeño. Jalapeño. Jalapeño. It's even fun to type. Because Jill had so much fun writing, typing, and saying the word "jalapeño," she thought that, surely jalapeños must be the most delicious food in all the land.

So, Jill packed up the Jeep and headed to the grocery store. Yes, she had to pack up the Jeep because she couldn't go anywhere without a suitcase and an ice chest. To be honest, I don't know Jill that well, but she comes off pretty sketchy.

Anyway, she went to the grocery store. She searched aisles upon aisles for the jalapeños. Finally, she found them in between jack cheddar and the jock itch relief cream. Apparently, Jill goes to a grocery store that organizes things alphabetically. See? She's pretty sketchy.

Well, she finds the jalapeños. She buys them. She goes home. She unpacks. She eats a jalapeño.

Then, her throat closes up, and she starts to sweat. She can't breathe. She tries to make it to the phone to call 911, but she can't. Clutching her throat, she reaches for a pen and paper. Well, this part is assumed because the police found her dead in her house, and if she could have reached the phone, we hope she would have.

Anyway, they found her note, and it said, "F*ck you, jalapeños." See? Even as she was dying, she thought it was a very fun word to write.


- Barbara

Alphabet Day 19: A

My A day: airport run in the early morning, a number of goodbyes to my roommates, a long drive to work (apparently this wind here in LA is rull bad), a more productive day than yesterday, anteaters (my day got less productive as it went on), apple juice (made me sick), a free dinner, ABBA and A-Teens (let's be honest, they are the same), alcoholics, a viewing of Drumline, and a decent amount of sleep on a neighbor's couch and then mine and then my bed.

A song: ADELE - "If It Hadn't Been For Love" This girl.

A word: Australia

When you're little, you look at Australia on a map, and you think that, surely, the people that live there fall right off the face of the earth. Then, when you're older you learn about gravity, so you "get it," but, let's be honest, you still don't really get how people don't fall off the face of the earth.

Then, I look at Los Angeles on a map, and I think that certainly I wouldn't fall off the face of the earth, but maybe I should be sliding a little bit. However, here I am, standing on the ground, and I'm not sliding at all. So, I guess, gravity is a thing, however it works.

Still, I have never been to Australia, so I can't say definitively that people don't fall off the face of the earth down there. I'll never go there either because I don't feel like flying somewhere just to fall off the face of the earth.


- Barbara

Alphabet Day 18: M

My M day: morning, Mat Kearney, maple & brown sugar oatmeal, milk, making dumb videos for a made-up awards show on my Mac, music consultation (this sounds much fancier than it actually was), Mucho Mango iced tea, Matt Pond PA, made-up awards show aka The Nemys (Most Valuable V-baller and Most Likely to Be Successful in Hollywood Female, right here), major winds, and my last night with roommates.

M song: MoZella - "Hold On"

M word: maybe

Maybe he wanted to die that night.

Maybe he just crossed the street without looking. Yea, it was probably that.


- Barbara