Now, last semester, my roommates and I developed a web series in which the characters were just dramatized, fictionalized versions of ourselves. But I have to say the line between real and not is pretty freaking narrow.
The character "Barbara," aka me, played out like this:
(Side note: we wrote four episodes of that web series, shot two, and have one finished. We suck at acting, so don't expect to see these.)
Should I be upset that I am basically an obsessive, weird, douchey, absurd, male fictional character? No! Because trash furniture is the most disgusting thing, and everyone should know that it does not belong in a household where humans are present.
1. Ketchup belongs in small amounts on your plate. It is not to be eaten straight out of the packet. It does not belong all dried up and chunky on the inside of the cap. It is not eaten off of a napkin. And it certainly does not belong on the table, chair, floor, or clothes. If that happens you should throw up immediately and then go take a shower in bleach.
2. Food trash does not go in a trash can without a bag in it. Seriously. If food touches the side of the trash can, unprotected, then the can should be burned. Immediately.
3. Silverware does not touch the table. Ever. There had better be a napkin in between your fork and the table. If not, put it on a sugar packet. Take that little paper ring off your paper napkin and rest it there. Otherwise, you might as well lick the table. If you do that, throw up immediately.
Don't get me started on spills and crumbs and toothpaste and drool... so help me.
And, yes, people's things belong in people's halves of the shelf and the dresser and the cabinet and the drawers and the room.
Wait. WAIT. WAIT.
Was I supposed to take a different lesson from this whole thing? That maybe I should address the fact that I act like Schmidt. That maybe that is the problem, and not the other way around? That my behavior is so absurd it was fictionalized for the camera?
Oh, no wait, just finished watching New Girl, and Schmidt's personality actually saves the day. So, to everyone, everywhere - YOU'RE WELCOME.
On a completely different note... "Well, someone has to come in last." - Me, about my NCAA brackets. There's no delusions of grandeur here, my friends.