Alphabet 26: F

My F day: Friend (my last name), final day of the alphabet!, Fiona Apple, "Free Fallin'" cover by John Mayer, fruit juice,  fruit, Feist, four seasons of Private Practice watched completely, free sandwich from the craft services truck (I get free food every day but not from the truck, ergo it was better), Facebook (alphabet made me...), Format, first night in too many at East West Suites aka the worst motel in all of California, fitness attempted but not completed, and fell asleep at nine.

F song: Fink - "If Only"

F word...: family

Friend is my last name. It comes from my dad's side of the family, obviously. I have heard about a million jokes.

Yes, I have heard all of the jokes. You are certainly not the first person to say anything about it to me. It also doesn't help that you point out that I probably hear jokes all the time. I do. We both know it. No need to talk about it.

No, random cashier, I'm not your friend.

"Family and Friends" is the worst pun I have ever heard. Sure, I say it all the time. Sarcastically. So, if you say it to me, I will laugh and tell you it's funny. Sarcastically. I hate you. Really. I hate you.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 25: X

My X day: I really got nothing, but on this day, I moved out of the Oakwood, where I had been staying throughout my time in Los Angeles. I also spent the morning with one of the Oakwood maintenance supervisors inspecting all of the apartments of the kids in my program. The guy hardly spoke, so that was a super awkward few hours. Again, this has nothing to do with the letter X.

X song: (this is the best I could do with my music) Coldplay - "Charlie Brown" from their album Mylo Xyloto

X word: xylophone

The Xylophone was waiting at a street corner for it to be safe to cross. He looked up and saw a flyer for band auditions. The Xylophone had never been picked for a band before, probably because he's a nerd of an instrument, but he had a good feeling about this one. Maybe the Christmas cheer or the fact that the Piccolo had winked at him just yesterday. I bet she just had something in her eye, but whatever it was, the Xylophone knew that this would be his chance. So, he pulled the flyer off the light post and continued his journey home.

The next day, he polished off his resonators, like that would help, and he skipped down to the studio where the auditions were being held. When he got there, electric guitars and drum kits were warming up everywhere. They all gave him a look like "what the f*ck is this guy doing here?" and rightfully so because, like I said, he's a loser. Anyway, the Xylophone found a saxophone in the corner of the hallway who looked approachable. However, even the Saxophone couldn't be seen with the Xylophone.

Luckily for the Xylophone, he was up next for auditions. So, he followed the Microphone and the Bass into the studio room, and those idiots gave him the gig because they were playing dumb Christmas songs, and Christmas songs are the only songs that actually need a xylophone.

Whatever.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 24: G

My G day: got up in the morning and thought about packing but didn't, Guster, got an application for an apartment, got to work late, grape juice, Galaxy cake for Gabe and Craig (because the Dynamo had to go and lose), gradually finished my last school assignment ever (please send money), grub (not the restaurant, we actually went to The Street), garbage room about a gazillion times, and got home and thought about packing but didn't.

G song: Goo Goo Dolls - "Sympathy" I'm freaking obsessed with this song.

G word: gynecologist

I've recently been in the business of TV gynecologists, among other types of doctors, and, let me say, their lives are filled with drama. Drama. For real. Still, these people are beasts at medicine. You couldn't write more successful doctors, oh wait...

So, if you ever find yourself in a TV show and you're sick, I think your odds of living are very good. I would be cautious, however, if you are any of the following: drunk driver, rapist, wife/child abuser, pedophile, or a new mother who's life seems too good to be true.

If you find yourself being one of these, then get out of the TV fast because you will die.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 23: R

My R day: really excited for my first Monday at work, Rocket Summer, Robert Randolph and the Family Band, room (writers' room, that is, and I wasn't cleaning it this time!), Raspberry Snapple, Ruffles, Robert Pattinson (music NOT Twilight), reading scripts, road rage (let's be honest, I have this every day), rushed home in time for Castle, really thought about packing but didn't, and rest.

R song: Ron Pope - "A Drop In The Ocean"

R word: rabbit

Everyone knew that the Rabbit was the best Rabbi in the forest. Every morning he would get up and don his tallit and his yarmulke. He would also eat a carrot because he's a rabbit, and it's kosher.

This morning, though, was extra special. It was the beginning of Hanukkah. The Rabbit retrieved his menorah from his burrow and placed it on the tree stump outside. He lit the first candle and left it burning for everyone to see.

Not ten minutes later did the Rabbit hear a loud knock on his door. He opened it to find the Bear, not the ones in the soda ads, but the one who wears human clothes and pretends he's a park ranger. So, the Bear told him he had to put out the candle because it could start a forest fire. The Rabbit understood, of course, the dangers of a forest fire, but he also knew the importance of keeping his tradition.

So, he went back to his burrow, ordered an electric menorah on eBay, and plugged it in to the power strip located right there in the forest.

It was a Hanukkah miracle, indeed!

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 22: U

My U day: U2 (I really wish I didn't), United States (where I live), uterus (I have one), uneventful apartment searching, ultimate Sunday brunch, underwhelming afternoon, u-turns, ugly weather, unruly interns and comedians doing pretty decent comedy including a joke about Ulysses S. Grant, unadulterated television a la Dexter and Homeland, and underneath my sheets for sleep.

U song: University of Texas Ransom Notes - "Annie Waits" Ben Folds would and should be proud.

U word: umbrella

One time I offered to share my umbrella with a "young gentleman" who I didn't know. It was pouring, truly pouring. Otherwise, nothing would have compelled me to put myself out there like that, like literally nothing. Anyway, he agreed, so I made space for him under my umbrella.

I guess if you're in to someone or dating them or related or whatever, there's not really a rule of personal space when it comes to umbrellas. This was not really the case for us, as we did not know each other that well, at all. So, yea, it wasn't super cozy, and, instead, both of us were drenched on about half of our bodies.

Before we had even hit the second light post at Clark Field, we both realized that the situation was not helping either of us. Like a true "young gentleman" he said that it was my umbrella, so he would make a run for it. He took off his flip-flops, and he sprinted faster than any other white guy I had ever seen. Now, I had the umbrella to myself, and I was no longer getting rained on. Still, I was so touched by his gesture, and I thought it was only fair that I suffer the same fate.

So, I put my umbrella away and made a run for it too.

I finally made it to the dorm, opened the lobby door, and, yea, there he was, looking at me. If I was him, I would wonder why he gave up an umbrella for someone who wasn't going to use it either. Because I thought that's what he thought, I said, "I'm sorry" and ran upstairs.

Of course, that might not have been what he was thinking, I don't know I'm not a mind reader. Anyway, I bet that wasn't what he was thinking, so what I said made no sense, and I never talked to him again. Amen.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 21: Z

My Z day: zzzzz's, zero luck with apartment hunting, Zero 7, Zoo in Griffith Park (that I passed by about six times driving to and from apartments), "Zak and Sara" by Ben Folds Five, zodiacs a la a fortune cookie, zero interaction with people besides realtors, Zach Braff in Scrubs, Zooey Deschanel's New Girl, and zzzz's (aka fell asleep super early on the couch).

Z song: Zac Brown Band - "Different Kind of Fine"

Z word: zygote

Hey, little, little zygote
Formed within the uterus
Looking oh so cute right now
Soon you'll kick and poop and fuss

Hey, little, little zygote
You used to be two gametes
Then they joined and you were made
To have a nose and eyes and feets

Hey, little, little zygote
Your time with us is very quick
For soon you'll be a baby
Who can cry and pee and lick

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 20: J

My J day: jazz hands, jacket (the one I've been sleeping in for two nights), jeans (the same pair I've worn for the last four days), Jessup and Williams Late Night Talk Show internship (one 10 minute episode, but I never let them down), juices grape and pineapple, Jewish star that I put up and then had to take down, Jabberwocky, John Mayer (only about a quarter of the fourteen hours of songs I have),  Jason's hair, just the usual singing Aaron Neville on the Santa Monica Pier, and jelly candy that tasted disgusting.

J song: Joe Purdy - "Daisy"

J word: jalapeño

Jalapeños are the most fun word to write. Jalapeño. Jalapeño. Jalapeño. It's even fun to type. Because Jill had so much fun writing, typing, and saying the word "jalapeño," she thought that, surely jalapeños must be the most delicious food in all the land.

So, Jill packed up the Jeep and headed to the grocery store. Yes, she had to pack up the Jeep because she couldn't go anywhere without a suitcase and an ice chest. To be honest, I don't know Jill that well, but she comes off pretty sketchy.

Anyway, she went to the grocery store. She searched aisles upon aisles for the jalapeños. Finally, she found them in between jack cheddar and the jock itch relief cream. Apparently, Jill goes to a grocery store that organizes things alphabetically. See? She's pretty sketchy.

Well, she finds the jalapeños. She buys them. She goes home. She unpacks. She eats a jalapeño.

Then, her throat closes up, and she starts to sweat. She can't breathe. She tries to make it to the phone to call 911, but she can't. Clutching her throat, she reaches for a pen and paper. Well, this part is assumed because the police found her dead in her house, and if she could have reached the phone, we hope she would have.

Anyway, they found her note, and it said, "F*ck you, jalapeños." See? Even as she was dying, she thought it was a very fun word to write.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 19: A

My A day: airport run in the early morning, a number of goodbyes to my roommates, a long drive to work (apparently this wind here in LA is rull bad), a more productive day than yesterday, anteaters (my day got less productive as it went on), apple juice (made me sick), a free dinner, ABBA and A-Teens (let's be honest, they are the same), alcoholics, a viewing of Drumline, and a decent amount of sleep on a neighbor's couch and then mine and then my bed.

A song: ADELE - "If It Hadn't Been For Love" This girl.

A word: Australia

When you're little, you look at Australia on a map, and you think that, surely, the people that live there fall right off the face of the earth. Then, when you're older you learn about gravity, so you "get it," but, let's be honest, you still don't really get how people don't fall off the face of the earth.

Then, I look at Los Angeles on a map, and I think that certainly I wouldn't fall off the face of the earth, but maybe I should be sliding a little bit. However, here I am, standing on the ground, and I'm not sliding at all. So, I guess, gravity is a thing, however it works.

Still, I have never been to Australia, so I can't say definitively that people don't fall off the face of the earth down there. I'll never go there either because I don't feel like flying somewhere just to fall off the face of the earth.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 18: M

My M day: morning, Mat Kearney, maple & brown sugar oatmeal, milk, making dumb videos for a made-up awards show on my Mac, music consultation (this sounds much fancier than it actually was), Mucho Mango iced tea, Matt Pond PA, made-up awards show aka The Nemys (Most Valuable V-baller and Most Likely to Be Successful in Hollywood Female, right here), major winds, and my last night with roommates.

M song: MoZella - "Hold On"

M word: maybe

Maybe he wanted to die that night.

Maybe he just crossed the street without looking. Yea, it was probably that.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 17: W

My W day: wake-up, water, warm chocolate (I don't like it too hot), watching Private Practice and writing notes about the characters, wheat bun, Wikipedia (they're getting super aggressive for donations again), walking up and down stairs, whistling, whipping up about 50 trophies of the awards ceremony, "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls (yea, we went there), watching New Girl where Winston learns a lesson, writing this blog right now, and wishing for sleep.

W song: The Weepies - "Wish I Could Forget"This is seriously one of my favorite songs, so today was a good day.

W word (huh, word is a W word): whatever

Since she first began to speak, the only word Wendy knew was "whatever." She had somehow managed to communicate enough with this one word, and, at this point, she didn't see the need to round out her vocabulary.

When asked what she wanted to eat, she'd reply, "Whatever." This meant every time she was treated to a surprise cuisine. Because of this, her palate had become well refined, and people respected her opinion of food.

When asked where she wanted to go for holidays, she'd say, "Whatever." This did not make a whole lot of sense, but it didn't stop her parents from taking her all over the world. She'd become so well-versed in travel that people would seek her recommendations on vacation spots almost daily.

When asked what she wanted to do, either on dates or family weekend tripes, she'd shrug, "Whatever." Many a beau had taken her on an outdoor excursion that involved an intense sightseeing adventure or some sort of extreme sport. Her parents had taken her to countless plays and museums. For a girl her age, she really had seen it all, and people looked to her for information because they knew she had experienced it first hand.

It was clear that Wendy was an extremely intelligent and well-rounded individual. Unfortunately, she flunked most assignments because two plus two does not equal whatever. The capital of Wisconsin is not whatever, and plants are not green because of whatever.

However, she always managed to get the question about indefinite relative pronouns at least partially right because "whatever" was a correct answer.

At least I think that's what Wendy wanted me to tell you guys. I have a really hard time understanding her.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 16: O

My O day: old phone alarm clock, orange juice, omits and edits to homework, official last day of classes ever (can't even believe it - send money), official class photo, originals by Adidias, obstruction of my nasal cavities, off-the-wall dance party, Oingo Boingo, Oprah, and obligatory sleep.

O song: One EskimO - "Kandi"

O word: organ

Oscar had just turned twenty-one, and he felt like he hadn't done anything meaningful with his life up to that point. He picked up the newspaper because that seemed like something meaningful to do to someone who had never done it before. As he flipped through the pages, he came across the classifieds and saw an ad that read, "Organ Wanted."

Sure, this seemed vague. It didn't say which organ was needed, but he figured, if he could help, it would certainly be something worth doing. So, he called the number. Unfortunately, no one answered the phone, but the voicemail recording said they were accepting organ donations at St. Luke's Church.

I can tell where this is going, and, if you're smart, you know where this is going too. Sadly, Oscar had no idea where this was going, so I'll continue on.

Obviously, a kidney is one of the easiest organs to donate, so Oscar had that removed first. The appendix, spleen, and gall bladder aren't that important either, so he took those out next. He removed pieces of his intestines, stomach, and liver. He left what he needed, but all of this surgery was certainly making him sick. Still, he saw the life his organs were bringing to his recipients, and he felt like he was finally doing some good with his life.

After his multiple trips to the hospital, Oscar hardly had any of his own organs left. He was hooked up to multiple machines, but he couldn't have been happier. In the hospital, he had fallen in love with his nurse, Olga. He loved her so much, and he would do anything for her, as she had done for him. One day she told him that she wanted nothing more than for him to give his heart to her.

Again, we all know where this is going, but I will continue on.

So, he willingly gave up his heart, like all the other organs before.

Of course, Olga did not mean for him to literally give his heart to her, and it left her heartbroken when he died. Luckily, St. Luke's had received enough donations to buy a new organ, and it played beautifully at Oscar's funeral.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 15: Y

My Y day: Y chromosome (I don't have it), yearly nosebleed (three times), "Yesterday" by the Beatles, y'all, yelling children at the airport, yummy Salt lick, Yaz (the band, not the birth control), yearning for the Lot C bus at LAX (that never goes well), yellow poncho, yuletide carols (no fire), and young people doing homework together.

Y song: Yael Naim - "Far Far"

Y word: yo-yo

Yo-yo's are all fun and games until you swing it around and knock yourself into a little coma.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 14: I

My I day: ill, inclement weather, interceptions and intentional grounding (college football, baby), international cuisine (aka Tex-Mex), iced water, iced tea, impossibly quick trip to Clear Lake, incredible games for Baylor and USC, and insomnia.

I song: Ingrid Michaelson - "The Chain"

I word: intern

According to Wikipedia, an internship is "on-the-job training for a white-collar job." I have held two internships in the last three years, and I have never seen anyone wearing a white collar. This means that both of the internships listed on my resume are lies.

My first internship helped me land my current internship, and my current internship will help me land an internship or job in the future. Should I be alright with the fact that my entire career could be based on a lie?

Yes, because I am an intern, and I work for free.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 13: K

MIDWAY POINT!

My K day: killer stomach ache, Kaye (my middle name when I woke up with said stomach ache), ketchup at Buffalo Grille (which I did not put on my hash browns), King Tut, kicking a soccer ball, kinethesis (I don't really know if that word means what I think it means), Keb' Mo', kids from high school reunion, knuckles, and Kermit on SNL.

K song: Kevin Devine - "You'll Only End Up Joining Them"

K word: koala

The Koala wasn't known as the toughest of the animals at the zoo. However, he had apparently crossed the Panda the previous Thursday when he cut him in line for the watering hole. The Panda hadn't thought much of the Koala before, but now he thought he was a real bitch-a-roonie-doonie.

Although the Koala did apologize, the Panda just was not ready to let it go. The Panda challenged him to a fight in front of all the other zoo animals in their sanctuary. After someone finally won this matchup, the ordeal could be put to rest.

Even though the Koala did not put much stock in being a fighter, he still did not want to be made a fool in front of all his friends. So, every morning in the week leading up to the match, he trained. He drank protein shakes, ran laps, jumped rope, lifted weights, and also ate some bamboo or whatever shit koalas eat. Overall, he was feeling pretty good about things.

The day of the match had finally arrived, and all the animals gathered around the big tree. The Panda and the Koala took their places in their respective corners. The Sloth took his sweet time slinking over to the bell, but he finally got there. He hit it, and the match began.

The Koala and the Panda jockeyed up to each other. The Panda threw the first punch, and then all the people at the zoo died at how cute it was to see a panda and a koala hugging.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 12: C

My C day: Courtyard Hotel's amazing bed, Charlotte (two of them), cousins, cranberries (oh yea, it was Thanksgiving), car ride with Christmas music, collegiate tradition finale (Texas beat Texas A&M for possibly the last time), calm, cool, and collected Justin Tucker who won the game, Chris (three of them), and cats especially Coconut.

C song: Counting Crows - "Colorblind"

C word (again, not that one): carriage

The princess was getting ready for a huge ball that night. This was going to be the ball of the year because, let's be honest, if a princess was going to be there, then you know that it is a pretty big deal. So, everything had to be perfect.

The princess checked her dress, her hair, her shoes, her makeup, and her jewelry. Everything was in place.

She walked down the stairs and met her carriage driver at the front door. This is when she received the bad news. The front carriage wheels had been broken from the previous trip she had taken in to town that day.

The wheel mender had been released for the evening, and it would take hours for the driver to fix them himself. The princess did not know what to do, and, by this point, the party was about to start.

Her stress level only increased when she received a message from her friend, who was already at the ball. "where r u?," the text message read. Then the princess remember that this was the twenty-first century, so she told the driver that she would take the car to the ball instead.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 11: E

My E day: early morning, extra packing, early arrival at the airport due to delayed flight, eggs, Ernie Halter, ear infection (I wanted a cold, but the Alphabet said no), Eric Hutchinson, entire book read on a plane ride east, eternity in traffic to Dallas, and easy sleep in a giant hotel bed.

E song: Emerson Hart - "Generation"

E word: epitaph

Earl, a Dickensian Scholar, had just gotten some terrible news from the doctor. He was dying. The kind of dying when you actually end up dead in a few weeks.

When you know you're going to die, there's a lot of stuff that you get to take care of yourself. If you don't know when you're going to die, and then you end up dead, then all your relatives have to take care of that crap for you. The latter is obviously the better option.

However, Earl knew it was coming, so he started getting things in order - planning his funeral, writing his obituary, and leaving a flaming bag of poop on the doorsteps of people he hated. That's how he chose to live his last few weeks.

Among his preparations, Earl started looking at headstones. The salesman told him that for an extra $500 he could include a two line epitaph on his grave marker. Earl had no heirs, so that was chump change for an almost dead dude.

Still, this meant he had to think long and hard on the few words that he would allow to define him for the rest of his life. For the first week, he couldn't think about it at all because he was dying, and that was sad. Finally, he sat down at his desk, pulled out a sheet of paper, and he dipped his pen in ink. He was weird like that, owning a quill pen, but all Dickensian Scholars are.

He was most proud of his contributions to the literature and scholarship surrounding Charles Dickens, so he chose to highlight that in his epitaph. The pen touched the paper, and the letter began to flow. "H-E-R-E L-I-E-S A D-I-C-K," and then he dropped dead.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 10: P

My P day: positively peppy morning routine, pineapple juice and Pop-Tarts on a paper towel at Private Practice, production schedules and pre-lims at Private Practice, Pete in Private Practice, Private Practice episodes watched for a project at Private Practice, patty melt with potatoes at Private Practice, peanut bar and peppermints and pop at Private Practice, pie run at Paramount, production (a set visit to Private Practice), Peter, Paul & Mary, Puss in Boots painting video, pre-adults portraying perps in a student film that turns in to them almost getting arrested/shot, printing boarding pass for a plane, packing, and passing out.

P song: Patty Griffin - "Rain"

P word: popsicle

There's nothing worse than a melted popsicle, especially if you wanted a frozen popsicle.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 9: N

My N day: near-sighted, no breakfast, nukes and numbskulls (Men Who Stare at Goats), new restaurant, no class, non-stop editing, nasal, N*Sync, never-ending uploading, NFL, new Homeland and Dexter, neighbors, "nature or nurture,"and nighttime

N song: NWA - "Express Yourself"

N word (not that one! although I did have a conversation about it today): nausea

Nicole is the nicest of girls. Alright, she is only okay, maybe just decent. I don't know, we aren't that close. Still, she has this crazy problem. Girlfriend only gets nausea if someone says the word "nausea."

Once, she went to the doctor's office and described her symptoms: unease in her stomach, sometimes vomiting. The doctor said, "Sounds like nausea," and she vomited. Then she said, "Yea, it is, but it only happens if you say 'nausea.'" Then, she turned her head and vomited again.

This sounds pretty terrible, but Nicole gets to do all the cool stuff: roller coasters, boat trips, and going to the moon, stuff like that. She can do all of that without getting nausea.

However, it does suck because I've just read her this story, and she's thrown up every time I've said "nausea." Gross, there she goes again.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 8: D

My D day: double alarm snoozes, drunken adventures retold from the night before, drizzle turned into a downpour, double brunch (I know right?), driving, debit cards, Dave Matthews Band, Decemberists, Dynamo defeated due to downright dumb defense, dale dale dale!, Dexter missed because of game, darkness in the bathroom (no toilet paper either), and death (for the night, at least)

D song: David Gray - "Lately" Seriously, obsessed with this song.

D word: December

December is the most loved of months. He brings Christmas bonuses and paid vacations to many, gifts to almost all. He keeps the weather cold enough to justify skipping school or work, and sometimes he leaves it nice enough to toss a football around the front yard.

Hibernation becomes a near necessary, and an increased caloric intake is adopted to handle said hibernation. It's not like the food is hard to come by. People look for any excuse to throw a party in December. Oh, you have a tacky green sweater? Party. I bought this new menorah? Party. My cat looks freaking adorable in this rudolph nose? Double party. So yea, free food? December for the win.

The winter weather also seems to promote some sort of temporary "niceness." Aside from the occasional black eye and hair-pulling caused by Black Friday and Christmas Eve shoppers, people kind of dig each other in December. I guess if there's that special someone in your life you get more gifts or something. Plus, you can stay inside by the fireplace and sort socks together. I don't know what couples do. I'm lonely.

It's pretty obvious that December does his fair share of great for the year. Other months just bring rain or taxes. Yea, December for the win.

Wait. What's this on the radio? Christmas music all the time, always? "Last Christmas" sung by sixteen different artists? December f*cking sucks.

THE END.

- Barbara

Alphabet Day 7: V

My V day: Vineyard Vines, victory despite vicious attacks (soccer), Ventura Highway, Ventura Boulevard, viva Chivas!, ventriloquism and the Veals (Arrested Development), Van Morrison, Vanessa Carlton, voluntary cake-baking with vanilla icing, very amazing art of various cats of which I made a video (see below), Vitamin C., and veteran songs of the 90's

VIDEO:


V song: V.V. Brown - "Shark in the Water"

V word: volume

The other day Victor was listening to "Shout" by the Isley Brothers. You know the song. You dance to it, no matter what. You do.

Anyway, there's the part where it says "a little bit softer now," over and over. So, Victor, an idiot, turned the volume down, over and over. He turned it down so low that he essentially turned it off. I don't know if you know, but if the volume is completely off, then you can't hear anything. Don't ask me how it works. It's science or something.

Still, this meant that Victor never heard Ronald Isley call for the listener to play "a little bit louder now," over and over. Thus, he sat my his record player, oh yeah this is the nineteen sixties. Anyway, he sat by his record player with the volume off for the rest of his life, and he never heard music again.

Luckily for him, he never had to suffer through Ke$ha and the Biebs. I'm just saying, some times it pays to be an idiot. You know?

THE END.

- Barbara